... Shelley's 40!
She's proving she's not old by running The Bear - a 5-mile run up Grandfather Mountain (http://www.hopeformarrow.org/bearinfo.htm) with Mark and Kim.
I'm impressed, but I will not be doing that on my 40th.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Oh, Conner
Conner's newest dessert creation: chocolate ice cream on a toasted hot dog bun. His favorite lunch lately: a pickle sandwich. Ugh. He has an iron stomach just like his dad.
I'll take responsibility for some of what comes out of his mouth, but not all of it.
* * *
I ran an errand last week and was gone for about 10 minutes. When I got back, he came into the kitchen and in his best Southern accent said, "Damn, that was fast."* * *
I got him a doughnut at Krispy Kreme last week, and when I handed him his bag, he opened it and said,"Holy crap! Awesome! Just what I wanted!"I'll take responsibility for some of what comes out of his mouth, but not all of it.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Getting ahead
We've neglected the blog during soccer and T-ball season, and we have another weekend with at least four soccer games and two T-ball games coming up (did I mention three of the games are in Wilmington?). Here are some old e-mails Pat has sent me - now we're ahead and Oliver won't have to yell at us. :)
May 31, 2007
This house, this one location, is the sock capital of the USA. I have taken calls from Thor-lo, Hanes, Nike and Adidas. They are not impressed that we have a corner on the cotton market. They have asked that we stop buying socks for the children so that the cotton industry can take a break. They are also asking if Abbey can be paid as a sponsor. She has 45 pairs of socks, all from different companies. They are looking for some product loyalty. As a sidebar, she has 52 socks that do not have matches. As a family, we have 125 unmatched socks. Where in the hell are the other 125? You would think that a pile like that would stand out a touch. I have checked under beds, in toy boxes, around the laundry room, in couch cushions, in pillow cases and even under mattresses. They nowhere to be seen.
It is my expert opinion that we have a large family of woodland creatures holed up somewhere in the house and resting comfortably in a two-bedroom ranch cotton house. Why a ranch, you ask? Because cotton may be durable, but it doesn't make a good two-story house.
June 11, 2007
Maggie has come up with an innovative new way to potty train Conner. She says that we should get him on the potty ready to go. We should then tickle him until he pees. They are a few minor obstacles, however, and here are the solutions as well.
Conner will move around a bit causing a fire hose effect. Boys do not have the correct plumbing for this move. Solution from Maggie: Put a towel over him and use a seatbelt on him.
Can you just see me in the bathroom strapping Conner to the toilet?
This will become a learned response. Solution from Maggie: We can take turns with him in the bathroom.
What I do not need is a teenager who needs to be tickled everytime he has had a lot of water. I do not have enough money for the hours of therapy that will be needed to fix that.
While the whole tickling thing has its merit, I think that we will stick with the traditional ways. The loud rumbling you feel underground is Dr. Spock rolling over in his grave.
June 22, 2007
Abbey is washing and folding clothes. She is doing all the laundry. Mine, yours and the kids' clothes. She is taking the clothes to the respective rooms and putting them away. I have no idea why. She was not asked by me to do it; she just is. She says that she is trying to help me, but I really don't believe her. She just got the vacuum cleaner and is actually using it and using it correctly. Conner just told her, "No, that's Daddy's vacuum." I am truly scared. Nothing good can come from this.
July 16, 2007
Your son just pantsed me. He loved it. He actually laughed until he fell down. One of those belly laughs. Neither of the girls is taking credit for his new knowledge. Being the adult of the house and the level-headed person that I am, I pantsed him back. He ran into the room and told
Abbey, like a good little snitch. Abbey came to me and told me not to do that anymore and it is not fair to do that to him since he is little. I actually felt bad even though I explained that he did it first. Apparently the adult of the house when you are not here is Abbey.
Sept. 10, 2007
Conner was concerned about the dental hygiene of the bathroom sink today. He emptied the toothpaste into the sink and used his toothbrush to eliminate all cavities and the bad breath that the sink will have from time to time. Your son is cute, handsome and all that, but Ivy League is only happening if it is athletic.
Sept. 11, 2007
There is a new rule in the house, or at least enforcement of an old rule. As the ranking minority leader of this house, the rule is as follows:
The men of the house are not allowed to leave the house with toenails painted. We are manly men. (I realize that in the International House of Women, our house, there will be times that painted toenails on the men will happen. I am all for practicing on me or the boy.) The reason for this rule is that the boy seems to like it and he just asked me to do his fingers. He also requested a color.
There are a lot of things that we will do for the women of this house. We will put the seat down, replace the toilet paper, knock before entering a room, hold doors open, use good manners at the table, farting and burping we will hold to a mininum, we will try not to make women/girls cry and not drink directly from milk jug.
The men of this house are standing up for our gender. Enforcement of this rule will begin today.
This is, of course, if you are OK with it. We are men but not totally stupid.
Oct. 1, 2007
Since you are sooo busy doing your job I will update you as to the progress in Maggie's and Abbey's rooms. All their clothes are cleaned, folded and sorted. They are in four laundry baskets. I was not aware that we had four laundry baskets until I went into the girls' rooms. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to get Maggie's clothes put away with her assistance. She will be happy to help, mostly because her future residencey in this home rests on it.
It is an impossible mission because we could all move out of this house and give all the square footage to Maggie and there is not enough room for her clothes. I have checked her dressers, and they are full. For God's sake, this child could live in the Biltmore and she would have it full in a week.
I have picked her up from school for a couple of months now, and she has not worn the same outfit twice. The teachers at the school have a pool to see if Maggie can make it the whole semester. I have twenty in it that says she can. I have inside info that she could make it the whole year.
Now, as for Abbey's room. This is the world champ at being a pack rat. I have found clay projects and paintings from preschool. She has apparently been practicing putting up there because there was about a dozen golfballs under the bed and dressers. For the love of all that is holy, can we throw out the trash can load of shoes from the last five years in her closet? She is not going to shrink in foot size.
Currently I am putting my soap box away because your son is peeing in the yard.
May 31, 2007
This house, this one location, is the sock capital of the USA. I have taken calls from Thor-lo, Hanes, Nike and Adidas. They are not impressed that we have a corner on the cotton market. They have asked that we stop buying socks for the children so that the cotton industry can take a break. They are also asking if Abbey can be paid as a sponsor. She has 45 pairs of socks, all from different companies. They are looking for some product loyalty. As a sidebar, she has 52 socks that do not have matches. As a family, we have 125 unmatched socks. Where in the hell are the other 125? You would think that a pile like that would stand out a touch. I have checked under beds, in toy boxes, around the laundry room, in couch cushions, in pillow cases and even under mattresses. They nowhere to be seen.
It is my expert opinion that we have a large family of woodland creatures holed up somewhere in the house and resting comfortably in a two-bedroom ranch cotton house. Why a ranch, you ask? Because cotton may be durable, but it doesn't make a good two-story house.
June 11, 2007
Maggie has come up with an innovative new way to potty train Conner. She says that we should get him on the potty ready to go. We should then tickle him until he pees. They are a few minor obstacles, however, and here are the solutions as well.
Conner will move around a bit causing a fire hose effect. Boys do not have the correct plumbing for this move. Solution from Maggie: Put a towel over him and use a seatbelt on him.
Can you just see me in the bathroom strapping Conner to the toilet?
This will become a learned response. Solution from Maggie: We can take turns with him in the bathroom.
What I do not need is a teenager who needs to be tickled everytime he has had a lot of water. I do not have enough money for the hours of therapy that will be needed to fix that.
While the whole tickling thing has its merit, I think that we will stick with the traditional ways. The loud rumbling you feel underground is Dr. Spock rolling over in his grave.
June 22, 2007
Abbey is washing and folding clothes. She is doing all the laundry. Mine, yours and the kids' clothes. She is taking the clothes to the respective rooms and putting them away. I have no idea why. She was not asked by me to do it; she just is. She says that she is trying to help me, but I really don't believe her. She just got the vacuum cleaner and is actually using it and using it correctly. Conner just told her, "No, that's Daddy's vacuum." I am truly scared. Nothing good can come from this.
July 16, 2007
Your son just pantsed me. He loved it. He actually laughed until he fell down. One of those belly laughs. Neither of the girls is taking credit for his new knowledge. Being the adult of the house and the level-headed person that I am, I pantsed him back. He ran into the room and told
Abbey, like a good little snitch. Abbey came to me and told me not to do that anymore and it is not fair to do that to him since he is little. I actually felt bad even though I explained that he did it first. Apparently the adult of the house when you are not here is Abbey.
Sept. 10, 2007
Conner was concerned about the dental hygiene of the bathroom sink today. He emptied the toothpaste into the sink and used his toothbrush to eliminate all cavities and the bad breath that the sink will have from time to time. Your son is cute, handsome and all that, but Ivy League is only happening if it is athletic.
Sept. 11, 2007
There is a new rule in the house, or at least enforcement of an old rule. As the ranking minority leader of this house, the rule is as follows:
The men of the house are not allowed to leave the house with toenails painted. We are manly men. (I realize that in the International House of Women, our house, there will be times that painted toenails on the men will happen. I am all for practicing on me or the boy.) The reason for this rule is that the boy seems to like it and he just asked me to do his fingers. He also requested a color.
There are a lot of things that we will do for the women of this house. We will put the seat down, replace the toilet paper, knock before entering a room, hold doors open, use good manners at the table, farting and burping we will hold to a mininum, we will try not to make women/girls cry and not drink directly from milk jug.
The men of this house are standing up for our gender. Enforcement of this rule will begin today.
This is, of course, if you are OK with it. We are men but not totally stupid.
Oct. 1, 2007
Since you are sooo busy doing your job I will update you as to the progress in Maggie's and Abbey's rooms. All their clothes are cleaned, folded and sorted. They are in four laundry baskets. I was not aware that we had four laundry baskets until I went into the girls' rooms. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to get Maggie's clothes put away with her assistance. She will be happy to help, mostly because her future residencey in this home rests on it.
It is an impossible mission because we could all move out of this house and give all the square footage to Maggie and there is not enough room for her clothes. I have checked her dressers, and they are full. For God's sake, this child could live in the Biltmore and she would have it full in a week.
I have picked her up from school for a couple of months now, and she has not worn the same outfit twice. The teachers at the school have a pool to see if Maggie can make it the whole semester. I have twenty in it that says she can. I have inside info that she could make it the whole year.
Now, as for Abbey's room. This is the world champ at being a pack rat. I have found clay projects and paintings from preschool. She has apparently been practicing putting up there because there was about a dozen golfballs under the bed and dressers. For the love of all that is holy, can we throw out the trash can load of shoes from the last five years in her closet? She is not going to shrink in foot size.
Currently I am putting my soap box away because your son is peeing in the yard.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
The Hustler
Conner and I just got finished playing the Wii. We played golf, tennis and baseball. He is not great at these but respectable. I kicked his butt. Yes, I'm a real cool dad, I beat a 4-year-old like a drum.
After his took his woodshed beating in the above sports, he suggested that bowling should be next on the list. Before we started he said, "I'll play for a dollar." I took this bet. This would be a great way to teach him a lesson. He produced a dollar. I produced a dollar and the game was on. I bowled first, and it was pathetic. He looked me dead in the face and said, "You're going down." He proceeded to bowl a 250. I didn't even get within 75 points of him. He finished me off quickly, took the $2 and said, "I'm going to bed, Dad. You need to practice before we play again."
After his took his woodshed beating in the above sports, he suggested that bowling should be next on the list. Before we started he said, "I'll play for a dollar." I took this bet. This would be a great way to teach him a lesson. He produced a dollar. I produced a dollar and the game was on. I bowled first, and it was pathetic. He looked me dead in the face and said, "You're going down." He proceeded to bowl a 250. I didn't even get within 75 points of him. He finished me off quickly, took the $2 and said, "I'm going to bed, Dad. You need to practice before we play again."
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Back on the map again
Good afternoon, all. Or at least the 5-6 people that read this. Since only one person leaves comments, I have to rely on disguntled e-mails that I need to post something. It has come to my attention that I have neglected my duties as a blogger. Please accept my apologies. In my defense, we have been a touch busy in this house. Since April 13, we have had the following:
16 soccer practices
5 tee ball practices
14 tee ball and soccer games
2 Brownie troop trips
4 Brownie meetings
1 trip to Chapel Hill (not for pleasure)
1 trip to Wilmington (Abbey field trip)
1 meeting at Maggie's school
The company Cathy works for had layoffs (she was not included in the layoffs)
Countless school projects for Abbey
For those of you who could care less about the above, here's a story for ya.
Conner found some change on Cathy's dresser yesterday and placed it in a small plastic box. He was very proud of his money and was showing it off to anyone who would look. Conner and I went over to see Carlo (our neighbor) later in the afternoon. Conner showed his box to Carlo. This was the exchange.
Conner: Look, Carlo.
Carlo: That's cool. Are you collecting money?
Conner: Yes.
Carlo: Well, here is a dollar for the collection.
Conner: Thanks.
Carlo: What are you collecting money for?
Conner: Me.
Carlo: What the heck? I thought you were collecting money for something important.
Conner: Nope, I just want money.
16 soccer practices
5 tee ball practices
14 tee ball and soccer games
2 Brownie troop trips
4 Brownie meetings
1 trip to Chapel Hill (not for pleasure)
1 trip to Wilmington (Abbey field trip)
1 meeting at Maggie's school
The company Cathy works for had layoffs (she was not included in the layoffs)
Countless school projects for Abbey
For those of you who could care less about the above, here's a story for ya.
Conner found some change on Cathy's dresser yesterday and placed it in a small plastic box. He was very proud of his money and was showing it off to anyone who would look. Conner and I went over to see Carlo (our neighbor) later in the afternoon. Conner showed his box to Carlo. This was the exchange.
Conner: Look, Carlo.
Carlo: That's cool. Are you collecting money?
Conner: Yes.
Carlo: Well, here is a dollar for the collection.
Conner: Thanks.
Carlo: What are you collecting money for?
Conner: Me.
Carlo: What the heck? I thought you were collecting money for something important.
Conner: Nope, I just want money.
Monday, April 13, 2009
The ladies man
I went to pick up Conner around lunchtime today. His class was outside on the playground, and they were just beginning to line up to go back inside when I got there. He was in the front of the line, and when he saw me he got out of line and started toward me. He was high-fiving the boys, and when he reached a girl she pulled him into a big hug. The next girl in line was not to be outdone, so she grabbed him and hugged him. The next girl is the love of his life, and she hugged him and kissed him. I actually saw his legs buckle. The last one in line was a boy, and he high-fived Conner as if to say, "Yea, boy." Conner was red in the cheeks and smiling all the way home.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Conner's first T-ball game
Pat says T-ball isn't cute (kind of like there's no crying in baseball). I disagree. Conner, for one, was very cute.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Vacation over
The kids and the mama arrived safely Thursday late night. They all proceeded to take their butts directly to bed. Reality slapped us all in the face this morning. Laundry needed to done. Meals made. Kids were arguing, playing, yelling, creating messes, hungry, bored, cleaning and thoroughly driving us both insane.
Vacation is over.
Vacation is over.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Day Three
Ah, day three of the beloved vacation. I returned from work (this working all day thing is crap) to a quiet house and our dogs completely confused and starved for attention. It seemed that they miss the kids because they weren't amused that I was the one who showed up to play ball with them. They got over it when food was introduced.
Today was not a total wash, though. I was offered dinner from our neighbors, Carlo and Toni. Carlo is a retired executive chef, and believe me it doesn't matter what he serves, it's creative and delicious. Dinner was chicken wrapped around ham and fresh mozzarella with a tomato-garlic reduction. Great dinner and lively conversation. I also got to continue with the "I'm not cooking theme."
The kids and Cathy are still loving life on their vacation. The weather is amazing, and the surprising part is that the kids are behaving. They are headed to Busch Gardens Tampa Bay tomorrow. As for the fishing trip with the "world class guide" my brother-in-law went on, you guessed it, they caught a ton of fish. Par for the course. If I flew down there this evening and started fishing at the crack of dawn, I would catch nothing. The reason, you ask, is that the fishing was always the best it's ever been the day before you get there. I'm sure they caught all the fish that they say they caught because fisherman are always honest.
According the Weather Channel, it is going to rain here Wednesday, but I'm still hopeful that golf is in the cards. If not, silence, Sportcenter and the Golf Channel will fill the void.
Today was not a total wash, though. I was offered dinner from our neighbors, Carlo and Toni. Carlo is a retired executive chef, and believe me it doesn't matter what he serves, it's creative and delicious. Dinner was chicken wrapped around ham and fresh mozzarella with a tomato-garlic reduction. Great dinner and lively conversation. I also got to continue with the "I'm not cooking theme."
The kids and Cathy are still loving life on their vacation. The weather is amazing, and the surprising part is that the kids are behaving. They are headed to Busch Gardens Tampa Bay tomorrow. As for the fishing trip with the "world class guide" my brother-in-law went on, you guessed it, they caught a ton of fish. Par for the course. If I flew down there this evening and started fishing at the crack of dawn, I would catch nothing. The reason, you ask, is that the fishing was always the best it's ever been the day before you get there. I'm sure they caught all the fish that they say they caught because fisherman are always honest.
According the Weather Channel, it is going to rain here Wednesday, but I'm still hopeful that golf is in the cards. If not, silence, Sportcenter and the Golf Channel will fill the void.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Day two
Alright, this was not the relaxing day that Sunday was. Not nearly the amount of chilling and no basketball or golf to watch. I had to work. Yes, I'm a whining like a big baby. It was a beautiful day, and all I could think about was when I was going to be done and get to the golf course. I did drag myself to the course for a quick 9 this afternoon.
Let me tell you that getting up in the morning and having to only get myself ready and out the door was very choice. No one to get to school or make breakfast for. Not having to get dressed in the dark. Didn't have to be quiet so that I don't wake Conner or Maggie. I normally wake Cathy, and she's generally not happy about that. I actually had time to sit and drink a cup of coffee and watch Sportscenter with the volume up. I am setting the clock a little later because I had too much time to kill this morning before leaving for work.
I have gotten several texts from "She who must be obeyed." Most of them were "We are going to the beach" or "Going shopping." My brother-in-law is going fishing with a world-class guide in the a.m. I know it's a world class guide because he told me a couple of times (4) this afternoon. Now, these messages are designed to make me jealous. NOT. I'm good and playing golf again Tuesday.
Let me tell you that getting up in the morning and having to only get myself ready and out the door was very choice. No one to get to school or make breakfast for. Not having to get dressed in the dark. Didn't have to be quiet so that I don't wake Conner or Maggie. I normally wake Cathy, and she's generally not happy about that. I actually had time to sit and drink a cup of coffee and watch Sportscenter with the volume up. I am setting the clock a little later because I had too much time to kill this morning before leaving for work.
I have gotten several texts from "She who must be obeyed." Most of them were "We are going to the beach" or "Going shopping." My brother-in-law is going fishing with a world-class guide in the a.m. I know it's a world class guide because he told me a couple of times (4) this afternoon. Now, these messages are designed to make me jealous. NOT. I'm good and playing golf again Tuesday.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Day one of Big Daddy's vacation
Day one started with getting the wife and kids out the door so that I can get to the scheduled tee time. In the words of General Tommy Franks, "Mission Accomplished." We were on the first tee before she and the kids left the state. The golf was good - not great, but good. Can't remember the last time I had the chance to play golf with no one immediately related to me in this state. Cathy called me a couple of times, and I didn't feel guilty once. This was a first. Just for the record, she landed in south Florida safely.
I had an executive lunch (couple of beers and an entree). Also for the record, the word couple can mean 2 or 6 - take your pick. I came back and watched Louisville get kicked in the mouth. My bracket is screwed more so now than before.
Just got a call from Cathy. It's 86 degrees, and the low tonight in south Florida is in the 60s. Also just got a text from my brother-in-law. He is there as well with his family. Contents of the text are confidential. Trust me, he is not impressed with me right now.
My evening will end soon, but not before I sit quietly on the deck with a glass of cold beer and a very good cigar. I'm the coolest person I know. Except for Cathy's Uncle Dave, who is dealing with my children as we speak. Still love ya, Dave.
I had an executive lunch (couple of beers and an entree). Also for the record, the word couple can mean 2 or 6 - take your pick. I came back and watched Louisville get kicked in the mouth. My bracket is screwed more so now than before.
Just got a call from Cathy. It's 86 degrees, and the low tonight in south Florida is in the 60s. Also just got a text from my brother-in-law. He is there as well with his family. Contents of the text are confidential. Trust me, he is not impressed with me right now.
My evening will end soon, but not before I sit quietly on the deck with a glass of cold beer and a very good cigar. I'm the coolest person I know. Except for Cathy's Uncle Dave, who is dealing with my children as we speak. Still love ya, Dave.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
"Do I have to jump?"
Over the past week I have been telling Conner that he's going to Florida on Sunday and that he will be taking his first plane ride. Mostly, I've been holding it over his head when he does something wrong. Almost every day he has asked me if he'll have to jump out of the plane. Everytime I tell him, no it will land, and you can walk out of the plane. No worries, you will have a great time. I answer his question and he moves on.
Yesterday the question changed a touch. "Dad, when I jump out of the plane and land on the street, will I get hit by a car?" I was standing there and had no idea what to say when Abbey looked him dead in the face and said "Probably" and walked away. Conner looked at me and said, "That's not gonna be good."
Today, Cathy finally told me why he has been asking this question. For two months now, he's been watching an episode of "iCarly" that Maggie recorded, and in that episode they have to parachute out of a plane. And we were worried about him watching the news.
Yesterday the question changed a touch. "Dad, when I jump out of the plane and land on the street, will I get hit by a car?" I was standing there and had no idea what to say when Abbey looked him dead in the face and said "Probably" and walked away. Conner looked at me and said, "That's not gonna be good."
Today, Cathy finally told me why he has been asking this question. For two months now, he's been watching an episode of "iCarly" that Maggie recorded, and in that episode they have to parachute out of a plane. And we were worried about him watching the news.
Ready to go
Conner informed me when he got up today that he has already packed for our trip (we leave tomorrow). He has Legos, his bear (also named Conner), a toothbrush and a shoe. Yes, a shoe.
He packs like his father, who always forgets something major when we go on a trip. He once went to Florida with one pair of shoes: bucks (like these). Even then, wearing bucks with shorts wasn't a good fashion statement.
He packs like his father, who always forgets something major when we go on a trip. He once went to Florida with one pair of shoes: bucks (like these). Even then, wearing bucks with shorts wasn't a good fashion statement.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Not the exit he hoped for
After sending Conner to his room, there's nothing funnier than watching him try to slam the door, only to have to do it six times before it finally shuts.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Great quotes
"Beer will get you through hard times without money better than money will get through good times without beer"
"On the eighth day God created beer to keep the Irish from taking over the world"
"On the eighth day God created beer to keep the Irish from taking over the world"
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