Buzz kill

An e-mail from Pat sent Sept. 5, 2008:

There are several sounds in this house that will send a chill through me. The crash of whatever Conner is playing with. The sound of Maggie whining or crying about something Conner or Abbey has done. In the interest of equality, Abbey telling us that we "just don’t understand."

There is also the sound of the water dripping in the bathroom sink. Yes, I will fix that at some point. The dogs barking at nothing at all. The sound of the fridge or the front door opening and then the lack of sound because they didn’t shut it. The sound of the flies that came in because of the door being left open. The sound of SpongeBob Squarepants and Scooby-Doo.

All of these sounds are bad and drive me insane, but there is only one that will take the wind right out of my sails. It is the sound of the buzzer on the dryer telling me there is ANOTHER damn load of clothes that needs to folded.

I need a big dog

When a father has a pre-teen daughter, there is a point when a very large dog becomes a valid purchase. When I say large, I mean a dog the size of Hagrid's dog, Fang. A dog that is so big that feeding it will require a second job.

I have come to this day because of several things. The bras and panties in the laundry that are not my wife's. For all that is holy, can clothing manufacturers not make pre-teen panties with a little more coverage? The low-rider jeans that are entirely too tight. But the thing that drives me the most insane is the wandering eyes of the boys. Nothing to date has made me more likely to whack the boy du jour in the head than the wandering eyes. It was bad enough when the chest started showing up. I realize that this can't be stopped and she going to become a woman whether I like it or not. Since it is poor taste to harm the boys of the present and future, I think that a dog the size of a cougar would be the best idea.

Conner's Christmas List

Batman (the person)
A monkey (a real one - not legal in this state, so not happening)
Legos
A real chainsaw (not happening)
A real train (not happening either)
A camera that works like Mom's
Eggs (because he just broke one on my pillow - don't ask, it's a story for another day)
My own remote for the TV
A cow
Steak (obviously the cow will not be a pet)
Doughnuts (everybody needs dessert, I guess)
A date with a girl in my class

Meltdown Wednesdays

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to what we call Meltdown Wednesday. The children of the house are tired and generally in crappy moods on Wednesday. Since it has been raining for the last three days, they have been in the house and not able to go outside. This has not helped. Abbey is in middle school and is up early in the morning and doing homework as soon as she gets home. Pre-teen hormones are at a simmer for a couple of days early in the week, but between the hormones, the lack of sleep, homework and studying, she boils over on Wednesday. Conner is just into everything, and by mid-week he's bored and starts annoying Abbey. Most of the time I am good with this because this pre-teen nonsense is annoying, and her suffering means I'm not ... for now.
This glorious day has many great phrases in it, as well. One of my personal favorites is "There is no food in this house." In the interest of full disclosure, Cathy goes to the grocery store every single weekend. There's food; it's just not junk food. Another one is, "Are you going to do anything about Conner annoying me?" No, I am not going to stop it. Your mother and I kept having children until we had one to make your life completely miserable. Maggie don't have the stamina to annoy you all day, so we had Conner. Mission accomplished. I have never said this out loud, but damn it I want to.
This brings us to Maggie. This kid watches all of this happen around her and just soaks it in. She is the reason we have no food. While Abbey is complaining about the lack of food, Maggie is hunting and finding it. She watches the whining, moaning and the "You don't understand what it's like to be a kid" that goes on and just sits there. Maybe she's just waiting her turn to be a pre-teen and perfecting her 'tude.
You see, the rest of the world looks at Wednesday as hump day. The day that gets them that much closer to the weekend. We couldn't care less about the weekend. We just want get to bedtime without irrational crying or injuries.

Where did you hear that?

From Maggie:

"Last one on the couch is road kill."

What happened to rotten eggs?