Getting ahead

We've neglected the blog during soccer and T-ball season, and we have another weekend with at least four soccer games and two T-ball games coming up (did I mention three of the games are in Wilmington?). Here are some old e-mails Pat has sent me - now we're ahead and Oliver won't have to yell at us. :)


May 31, 2007
This house, this one location, is the sock capital of the USA. I have taken calls from Thor-lo, Hanes, Nike and Adidas. They are not impressed that we have a corner on the cotton market. They have asked that we stop buying socks for the children so that the cotton industry can take a break. They are also asking if Abbey can be paid as a sponsor. She has 45 pairs of socks, all from different companies. They are looking for some product loyalty. As a sidebar, she has 52 socks that do not have matches. As a family, we have 125 unmatched socks. Where in the hell are the other 125? You would think that a pile like that would stand out a touch. I have checked under beds, in toy boxes, around the laundry room, in couch cushions, in pillow cases and even under mattresses. They nowhere to be seen.
It is my expert opinion that we have a large family of woodland creatures holed up somewhere in the house and resting comfortably in a two-bedroom ranch cotton house. Why a ranch, you ask? Because cotton may be durable, but it doesn't make a good two-story house.


June 11, 2007
Maggie has come up with an innovative new way to potty train Conner. She says that we should get him on the potty ready to go. We should then tickle him until he pees. They are a few minor obstacles, however, and here are the solutions as well.
Conner will move around a bit causing a fire hose effect. Boys do not have the correct plumbing for this move. Solution from Maggie: Put a towel over him and use a seatbelt on him.
Can you just see me in the bathroom strapping Conner to the toilet?
This will become a learned response. Solution from Maggie: We can take turns with him in the bathroom.
What I do not need is a teenager who needs to be tickled everytime he has had a lot of water. I do not have enough money for the hours of therapy that will be needed to fix that.
While the whole tickling thing has its merit, I think that we will stick with the traditional ways. The loud rumbling you feel underground is Dr. Spock rolling over in his grave.


June 22, 2007
Abbey is washing and folding clothes. She is doing all the laundry. Mine, yours and the kids' clothes. She is taking the clothes to the respective rooms and putting them away. I have no idea why. She was not asked by me to do it; she just is. She says that she is trying to help me, but I really don't believe her. She just got the vacuum cleaner and is actually using it and using it correctly. Conner just told her, "No, that's Daddy's vacuum." I am truly scared. Nothing good can come from this.


July 16, 2007
Your son just pantsed me. He loved it. He actually laughed until he fell down. One of those belly laughs. Neither of the girls is taking credit for his new knowledge. Being the adult of the house and the level-headed person that I am, I pantsed him back. He ran into the room and told
Abbey, like a good little snitch. Abbey came to me and told me not to do that anymore and it is not fair to do that to him since he is little. I actually felt bad even though I explained that he did it first. Apparently the adult of the house when you are not here is Abbey.


Sept. 10, 2007
Conner was concerned about the dental hygiene of the bathroom sink today. He emptied the toothpaste into the sink and used his toothbrush to eliminate all cavities and the bad breath that the sink will have from time to time. Your son is cute, handsome and all that, but Ivy League is only happening if it is athletic.


Sept. 11, 2007
There is a new rule in the house, or at least enforcement of an old rule. As the ranking minority leader of this house, the rule is as follows:
The men of the house are not allowed to leave the house with toenails painted. We are manly men. (I realize that in the International House of Women, our house, there will be times that painted toenails on the men will happen. I am all for practicing on me or the boy.) The reason for this rule is that the boy seems to like it and he just asked me to do his fingers. He also requested a color.
There are a lot of things that we will do for the women of this house. We will put the seat down, replace the toilet paper, knock before entering a room, hold doors open, use good manners at the table, farting and burping we will hold to a mininum, we will try not to make women/girls cry and not drink directly from milk jug.
The men of this house are standing up for our gender. Enforcement of this rule will begin today.
This is, of course, if you are OK with it. We are men but not totally stupid.


Oct. 1, 2007
Since you are sooo busy doing your job I will update you as to the progress in Maggie's and Abbey's rooms. All their clothes are cleaned, folded and sorted. They are in four laundry baskets. I was not aware that we had four laundry baskets until I went into the girls' rooms. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to get Maggie's clothes put away with her assistance. She will be happy to help, mostly because her future residencey in this home rests on it.
It is an impossible mission because we could all move out of this house and give all the square footage to Maggie and there is not enough room for her clothes. I have checked her dressers, and they are full. For God's sake, this child could live in the Biltmore and she would have it full in a week.
I have picked her up from school for a couple of months now, and she has not worn the same outfit twice. The teachers at the school have a pool to see if Maggie can make it the whole semester. I have twenty in it that says she can. I have inside info that she could make it the whole year.
Now, as for Abbey's room. This is the world champ at being a pack rat. I have found clay projects and paintings from preschool. She has apparently been practicing putting up there because there was about a dozen golfballs under the bed and dressers. For the love of all that is holy, can we throw out the trash can load of shoes from the last five years in her closet? She is not going to shrink in foot size.
Currently I am putting my soap box away because your son is peeing in the yard.

The Hustler

Conner and I just got finished playing the Wii. We played golf, tennis and baseball. He is not great at these but respectable. I kicked his butt. Yes, I'm a real cool dad, I beat a 4-year-old like a drum.

After his took his woodshed beating in the above sports, he suggested that bowling should be next on the list. Before we started he said, "I'll play for a dollar." I took this bet. This would be a great way to teach him a lesson. He produced a dollar. I produced a dollar and the game was on. I bowled first, and it was pathetic. He looked me dead in the face and said, "You're going down." He proceeded to bowl a 250. I didn't even get within 75 points of him. He finished me off quickly, took the $2 and said, "I'm going to bed, Dad. You need to practice before we play again."

Back on the map again

Good afternoon, all. Or at least the 5-6 people that read this. Since only one person leaves comments, I have to rely on disguntled e-mails that I need to post something. It has come to my attention that I have neglected my duties as a blogger. Please accept my apologies. In my defense, we have been a touch busy in this house. Since April 13, we have had the following:

16 soccer practices
5 tee ball practices
14 tee ball and soccer games
2 Brownie troop trips
4 Brownie meetings
1 trip to Chapel Hill (not for pleasure)
1 trip to Wilmington (Abbey field trip)
1 meeting at Maggie's school
The company Cathy works for had layoffs (she was not included in the layoffs)
Countless school projects for Abbey

For those of you who could care less about the above, here's a story for ya.

Conner found some change on Cathy's dresser yesterday and placed it in a small plastic box. He was very proud of his money and was showing it off to anyone who would look. Conner and I went over to see Carlo (our neighbor) later in the afternoon. Conner showed his box to Carlo. This was the exchange.

Conner: Look, Carlo.
Carlo: That's cool. Are you collecting money?
Conner: Yes.
Carlo: Well, here is a dollar for the collection.
Conner: Thanks.
Carlo: What are you collecting money for?
Conner: Me.
Carlo: What the heck? I thought you were collecting money for something important.
Conner: Nope, I just want money.